Moondraam Pirai Remake

Tamil cinema is completely hero-centric and all our leading stars, in their eagerness to become the next Rajnikanth, have turned almost exclusively to ego-massaging masala films. There is no shortage of directors who pander to their egos and churn out formulaic films with larger-than-life heroes either. Another noticeable trend these days is remaking older films under the name of updating them for the present generation. The combination of these two phenomena could result in some truly scary scenarios. As an example, here are a few ways how Balu Mahendra's classic Moondraam Pirai might be altered in the hands of one of the actor-director combinations mentioned above.

- With a top hero, the film's name has to refer to him in some form. Poetically meaningful titles like Moondraam Pirai just won't cut it. So it'll be his name(lot of choices here) or refer to his character (Kaavalan?) or - in keeping the current fad - the name of some animal or bird that could be seen as being protective(Kangaroo?).

- The accident where the heroine loses her memory will be disposed off quickly. The song, in particular, is a definite no-no, instead of which the hero will get an intro song(the location doesn't matter though the brothel where he meets the heroine for the first time is an option). The song will repeat the movie's title apart from incorporating words like annan/thambi, thozhaa and thamizh.

- The neighbor paatti's character will be transformed into the hero's funny friend so it can be played by Vivek or Santhanam. They will make frequent jokes about the heroine's condition.

- The Poornam Viswanathan-Silk Smitha track will turn into the film's comedy track. The wife will be played by a buxom actress like Shakeela while the husband will be played by an old comedian like 'Venniradai' Moorthy. There will be atleast one scene near one of those water pumps with dialogs about pumping and pots and the track will be loaded with double entendres.

- The heroine will have momentary lapses into clarity so that she can dream of duets with our hero(maybe a Loosu Penne... remix). There will be a couple of fast numbers and a maximum of 1 slow number and atleast 1 of them will take place in a foreign location.

- The heroine's attempted molestation will be followed by a full-fledged fight with the usual punches, kicks and gravity-defying leaps. This is where the hero will utter punchlines like "Indha ponnu paithiyam. Unakku naan paakka poren vaithiyam" or "Indha ponnu loosu; ippo un bulb fuse-u".

- The hero's race to catch the heroine after she is cured will be a stylish run as he jumps over cars(instead of getting hit by them), leaps over ditches(instead of falling into them) and swings on the poles(instead of dashing into them).

- The heroine will remember the hero as soon as she sees him and brush off her parents' entreaties to jump off the running train(with his help ofcourse) and unite with him. Her dad will immediately summon his henchmen(who will arrive in Tata Sumos, clad in white shirt and veshti and armed with sticks that they twirl above their head) so our hero can fight with them for an action-packed climax.